Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
