He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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