Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
