I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Randomize