I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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