she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
