Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
