the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
