Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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