Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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