You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
