ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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