hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
