You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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