If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
