I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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