i permit you to call me
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
