Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
