If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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