im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize