i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
