Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
