so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Please, let me fuck your mom
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
