Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
