I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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