I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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