eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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