It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
