I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I yelled at your uterus for you.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
