I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
