so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My day in three words: secret purse cake
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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