and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
