There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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