This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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