i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
