My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
