i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
