i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize