My Higher Power is John Stamos
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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