I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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