just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
