if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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