I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Randomize
