Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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