The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize