Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
