she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
