You're a womanizer and a bitch.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I will pee on everything he values.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
