Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Is it penis luge time yet?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
