Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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