The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
