The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
