Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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