I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
