I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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