Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Randomize
