my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
